standing still

where are you?
what have you got?
what have you done?
are you moving forward?
is it still worth living?

left behind

Sickening
Depressing
Nosy
Boring
Negative
Weirdo

That's why people pack up their bags and leave.

keep it going

There has been no contact at all for more than a decade, and somehow it's getting a bit intensive in the last weeks.

I really don't know what it is and what it means for me, but I really, really enjoy it.

What I'm sure of is that I can use it as another reason to look forward to in life. It makes everything more bearable, so thank YOU.

addictive

You don't have to send me money or get me a star to make me happy. A simple "How are you?" once in a blue moon is more than enough to put me among the stars.

Nothing is better than starting the morning with seeing your name in my inbox. It's highly addictive and dangerous. Yet I can never get enough of it.

Just let me enjoy it while I can, and don't pull me out from this ecstasy. Please.

reason #125

I was working last night when I decided to turn on my MP3 player with NKOTB's newest comeback single.

Then, the wife who was in the bathroom yelled asking if it was Jordan's voice. Even when she never heard the song before.

How can I not love her?

I should have known it as it's coming from someone who got suspended from the school because her picture was splashed on the front page of national newspaper on the day when she's supposed to be "sick" at home.

She didn't rest, but went to the airport to greet & scream at the Kids when they came to Jakarta years ago.

My wife, the Blockhead.

leave me be

Some people have the traits where they can make you happy one second, and then reach for the noose on the next minutes.

I really don't get it why they have to keep bothering me and making me doing things that I hate. I think it all should stop the moment I leave the nest and sever all the financial ties.

I never realize how wrong I was.

Maybe I should stop giving them a cold shoulder or back, in my case. Maybe I should turn around, speak my mind, and be prepared for anytime they turn me into a stone.

Sometimes I really wish I were indeed a stone. Nobody to serve & please and I can just lay there unnoticed and give the finger to anyone & anything.

I believe that they're just supposed to watch over my back, see me rise or fall, and give me a smile whenever I need it the most. Just be my safety net, and that's it. I don't ask for anything else.

Problem starts when the safety net decides to wrap me tightly; much like the alien symbiote crawling towards Peter Parker and be one with him.

I really don't need another thing to squeeze my mind. It won't ever be enough, and I may actually start to reach the imaginary noose soon.

finally happening

I've been knackered lately. Not only because work suddenly gets a little bit buzzing here & there, but also because I've been using my spare (and not spare) time to do something else.

Not that I'm complaining though. It feels great, and it feels like one thing that I should have been doing all these fucking years. I really wish that it will eventually lead me somewhere good.

Or I really shouldn't wish for it probably. I don't want to ruin it by immediately put a burden or expectation on it. It'd be good to just let it flow and see where it'll take me.

i do want to believe

one lonely star

Here I am again in a very familiar surrounding; just me and the computer.

Not to say I regret it though. I'm always appreciative of the time when I can just be alone with my troubling thoughts and all of them are vying for the primetime spot in my grey matters.

But this time around Madonna's Take A Bow is repeating endlessly.

I always love that song from the very first time it caught my ears until now. It's not because the matador, or the sexy music video. It's the song itself. All just seem to be perfect, from Babyface's background vocal, to its soothing tempo & arrangement. I just suddenly have the craving to get that song played in my hour of loneliness.

Looking back, I don't know whether I've been doing the right thing. I'm not sure if I should say what I wanted to say, or if I just let it go. Something just doesn't feel right about what I did. I don't want to be the bad guy here. You don't have to get told on what to do about that kinda thing. Your perspective should change automatically. With new status comes automatic realization of what you are and what you should do.

Sometimes silence doesn't always mean Yes. But I'd choose Yes anytime rather than upsetting the cosmic balance of the universe.

As long as I can still keep my place in the very corner of this dark room.

all gone

If they're all now dissing me, then there's nothing else left for me here, is there? So why bother continuing it?